I bought a wedding dress today. Some high class italian brand that an artist sold to me for fifty dollars.
Good luck with it, he says, maybe you can turn the history around. I've been married twice.
I smile politely, hand him the currency that wishes turntable into. He wants to see me try it on. I think about this. One Mississippi.Two Mississippi.
For that, You would have to give me back the cash.
We settle. I take time in realigning the creases. Cover it in plastic and put it in the back of my closet.
I will not wear it. It is assuring that i even entertain thoughts like this still, but
i will not wear it.
I call you. Tell you the news.Skipping over the details i know that you will not hear. Condensing my life into bite size pieces for your observation. You only want the truth. I keep it short.
Silence is not a lie i tell myself.
My nails are bit short. I am exhausted. Fourty five minutes to work this morning, three different intersates.
Laid off?
I have only given you five days. Five days of quiet knowledge. You are making a mistake i tell them.news knocking me to my seat.
Nerves take over the room. Making a humm over the edge of the air that is stifling. The awareness of time, Minutes ticking out from under me. You have the power to turn this around.
I consider the option of begging.One Mississippi.
.
.
.
I will not lie down for you. Fuck me harder please. I wish to breathe smoke. Instead,the tears come,despite my pleas with myself. Finding nothing. I am a fish out of my element. Juggling with people that don't care what type of scars i know or how they got to be holligrams of honor. Validation for my time spent. You do not want to know me.  
I agree to all of it. Taking this defeat and catagorizing it somewhere deep.   Deeper.  Where it can't hurt, it can only harden into something ugly and reusable as mercury.
I do not want to go back to worrying about the in between.
I learned your fucking speadsheets. i've masturbated myself dry with Microsoft Excel. Running my fingers over a telephone pad for twelve dollars a hour.
.You do not know what i am capable of.
Personal referance? You think i am a nice person?
Please. Take the sentiment and wipe your nephews diaper rash with it. I may be nineteen but i'm not to be underestimated by the undertones that a suffix brings.
 TEEN.
I grit my teeth. Wish for sleep. Wish for reflexes.
My suit put up beside my wedding dress.Closet: on hangers. Hoping for the postponement of one of them.  Now deflated.
Tommorow is Saturday. I will dress and take my experiences that have been condensed into bullets and center formatting. Drive to anyone willing to listen and explain to them that i am real. There are no codes for this, no labels that can be printed onto a badge that you can take away eventually.
I will keep my eyes lowered and pray that they do not recognize what despiration looks like when i introduce myself.
Fast forwarding my past into some economic blurr that calls for bullshit more often than always.
run my battery low. Turn off my phone and drive the distance it takes to get to your house. Leaving my keys in the ignition when i arrive. Searching for an excuse to try on that covers up dissapointment that blooms from the inside out. You do not hold me. You do not kiss my forehead and whisper everything will be okay.
You say to me,you know what i tell people about you?
I tell them you are beautiful but not because of your face, because you have guts that start from somewhere deeper than your understanding can even fathom.
Cultivate that.
Call me when you get another job. We'll go out for a drink.
I am knocked up to size.  Rearranging the details in my head to reknow my own skin. Paperlike veins that cover a beating heart.
He turns to walk back inside.
Millie, when you remember this, you will remember something completely different than i will.
I hold it close. Closer than memory will be able to re enact.

You are some dark shaded pearl on my way to somewhere distant.
Forget me.  

--Last edited by Junebug on 2007-12-02 00:24:52 --

Somebody?

wow, that's all i can say, wow

heh. I can take that. Tell me why and the compliment will be validated.
M.