my past is catching up to me... I can feel it almost touching me... creeping behind me



I was transfering some things from my old phone to my new one through bluetooth... this old phone was the first razr from cingular (not at&t)... I got this after my settlement from the car crash my mom got into... three car collision and we were in the middle... still have back problems



the stuff on this phone, pictures, video clips, tones... all from when Evie and I were together..  I transferred some of the pictures.. they were all pics of her family.. her three sisters, cousin, sisters boyf and/or fiancees, nieces and nephew.. step dad and even a long time family friend.... i got a tone from a friend at the last job I worked at when evie and i were together (which up until now I thought was the last job I had)..... then I went through the video clips.. as if the pictures weren't hard on me enough...



there were a few cute clips in there of her nephew (the first boy in the long line of girls... you know he's spoiled, his name is Kayden)...



then I got to the bad ones.. you know when you are stressed out there is a certain instinct, like a face you make, that you get instantly? well I got that the second I even saw what the clip was about



there was this last drunken night I had with evie.. I swore not to do it around her anymore because of this whole night



This had to be back somewhere in March.. I know cause a week or two after this night was when the deadline was to get all of our shit out of the town home we got evicted from.  I don't even remember how the whole liquor thing came out.. I gather it had to do something with Marissa (her oldest sister, and my favorite lol.. you'd have to know her) and Jason wanting to drink, probably as a celebration.. though it probably didn't help that my alcoholic ass always had some kind of liquor or alcohol to drink... sadly enough i kept it in the fridge that the kids get into... yet another thing I'm not proud of.  In either case, Marissa, her hubby Jason, Evie and I all got drunk.. actually... I got buzzed.. well at least compared to them.. those three were trashed..  To tell you the truth I'm glad I sobered up after what happened



I can't remember exactly what Evie said.. all I know is that Batman came up somehow... something about how he hit on me all the damn time... which if that were true, then all of my friends hit on me (which if you ask evie she would say, "you're damn straight they all did")... which isn't true.. just cause I tell them that I love them and give them hugs.. doens't mean they hit on me LOL... then she asked marissa to agree to something about how fucked up that was.. and then Marissa turned to her drunk husband (don't forget they are all trashed) and asked if he thought that was fucked up.. and I recorded all of this.. and he wasn't even paying attention and said no.. then the whole night went down from there... they started fighting.. yelling at each other.. by now I'm already sober... or at least I thought so... Evie and I went to my room (I was living with Marissa and Jason at this time.. long story in itself) and started messing around.. until we heard punching on the walls and Marissa running up and down the hallway screaming.... kids are freaking out here... Jesse (Jason's cousin who was also living there.. creapy experience ... also a long story) is sitting outside trying to get Jason to calm down the whole time marissa's yelling at him... it all got blown out of proportion.. and I'm not even blaming Evie.. she expressed how she felt and everyone's entitled to their own feelings... Marissa, as she usually does when she's drunk, was just looking for a fight.  The next thing I know.. she comes outside with only a shirt on.. yelling at Jason and Jesse... and handed me her baby and told me to get the car started... so I ran outside... started the car.. put the baby in her carseat... evie followed.. and as I was waiting I saw Jason tear the roofing off the porch thing with his bare hands.... Marissa grabbed a bunch of shit.. oh wait.. the kids were at her moms... no wait.. Christians... hmmm... anywho..  (christian is also a long story.. I realized that most of my stories comes from that family LOL.. not that it's a good thing.. just interesting) We drove off.. Marissa told us to go to her moms.. and then had us turn around cause she didn't want Jason to show up there.. so we went to the town house that we were loosing... no electricity.. did I mention that her aligator pit bull was with us too?! all of this in my new car (that I eventually lost as well).... Marissa was so relieved that she "finally got away from him".. she passed out.. we had to cover Lexi (Marissa's and Jason's baby girl) up with sweaters we had laying around cause we moved all of our covers out.. and it got pretty damn cold downstairs... evie and I went to our room and slept on the floor.... When Marissa woke up she didn't even know where she was... But she did ask us what happened.. as usual I bit my tongue cause I was more than sure she wouldn't believe me as Evie usually disagreed with what my explanations were (understandable since my memory is fucked and I was crazy with out meds then)... Evie preceded to explain her version of what she could remember herself... she got the jist of it down.. Marissa was still hellbent on not going back with Jason cause she was sick of his behavior I suppose, I don't know the real reason why.. but she stayed with him in either case.



Then the day went on as if nothing ever happened, kids came home, dogs were ok, mess was cleaned, breakfast was cooked, birds were chirping etc etc



I have to say.. being with that family .... was a definite mind trip





one of the worst nights of my life

i bet that entire story makes a whole lot more sense to you than anyone else that could read it.lol.sounds like a too long night though.I have memories like that, flashbacks and shit when i daydream. Or sleep.

I try not to think about things like that.. eventually it all just stopped popping back into my head.  prior medication I use to think about all of these moments all the damn time.. pause and rewind even... over and over again


post medication.. I'm all about being happy... I want people to be happy, I hope for the best for EVERYONE, I myself am happy and am no longer in the corner crying and dwelling on things I have no control over (thank you for your help Kodi)...

My story probably doesn't make sense to anyone cause when I write I usually write as I think... so all of my thoughts and train of thoughts are in that story... somewhat of an insight to my mind... with butterflies in my stomach


how's the read been so far?  I imagine it all sounds a bit like what I just wrote on here.. as some of the things I write online are also going to be in that book...   Which is why I call it a really hard rough draft... very raw and uncooked... definitly a LOT will be changed