I'm tired... But at the same time I feel full of energy. Like a child who won't go to sleep (even though his eyes are rolling back and his head keeps noding) because life is too exciting to waist time being unconscious. I want to jump a distance much farther than humanly possible, yet, right now, I just know that I can… and I have no fear of falling or failing to make it across.  I feel silly, for a simple descrïption, I am acting as I wish I could in public on a day to day basis without getting tossed in the loony bin or judged / labeled “crazy person”. Gah… why do we have to put on a fake face and maintain in a certain way to be excepted by the people around us? Um… I guess it’s a good thing most people do… because the raw, pure, truest persona in everyone has little to do with rationality and consideration of strangers. Admit it… you really only care about yourself and those closest to you. Sigh… and some people really only care about themselves when it comes down to it. But this is a post about me. And I’m not talking about some people… I’m talking about myself. I...
...am introverted and even a little bit selfish. What is important to me… is what makes me happy. And I see nothing wrong with that… because what makes me happy might make someone eles happy… or even helping others… even strangers… can give me a good feeling. Bleh… it’s all about me. And I’m starting to get sick thinking this way. Wouldn't it be nice to be truely selfless? So I am going to work my way out of it. Because… that would make me happiest at this current moment. lol. I feel like I should try to explain more… but I’m not sure what the hell I’m even trying to explain here. I am me. I guess that’s it. I’m not always satisfyed with my actions and thoughts and I understand in simple words how to correct and change whatever it is I may be dissapointed about when it comes to (the way I am) my own perspective of personality flaws. lol. But I, more often than not, do nothing to change. I tell myself that I am happy… and I make myself happy until I start digging in again. Picking apart my insides… separating what I do like from what I don’t like. And… using the only things I have to decide what I want to keep and what I want to change… my up-to-now life experience, environment, and the people that are closest to me. What I feel might be the most lovable… acceptable… admirable qualities, I try to keep and show as often as I can… and the rest just gets put away. I don’t even know if what I’m trying to say makes any sense. I feel… way … way … out there at the moment. Yet my mind has been off for as long as I can remember…. Always daydreaming things… times past present and future with various situations and possibilities of action and outcome.
I am an "out there" kind of person... I have alot of uniqe thoughts and ideas and what could be seen as philisophical visions or... whatever. It's just all so out of place... and I have such a difficult time putting anything into order... or at least organizing things so that they make sense to the average human person. I need some one that can help me with that... some one with enough interest to decipher my code and the experience and talent it takes to turn it all into a distinguishable picture.
I want to love. I want to do what I feel I do best. Hug, kiss, caress, and care. Listen and share… companionship. I want to pour out emotion and drown whoever it is i’m in-love with with it. I want to explode from the surge of energy that I can / will feel when it is welcomed and appreciated at that level of intensity. I want to go crazy… right now… drive forty minutes… just to see… her reaction. Hehehe
But that’s just being silly in thought. I won't really do that “considering” the time… and things. I don’t feeling like attempting to explain anymore. My brain is tired… it has been… the energy I have right now is pure emotion… I am so tired. I should go to sleep. Hehehe I keep cracking this grin and it makes a sound when it happens like… “hhuuoomm”, like a sigh and a ungh mixed together … hehehe or… something… but anyway… it makes a sound. And I hear myself make the sound… and it makes me smile even more. So many happy thoughts from moments not very far in the past… one being me on a couch with my foot resting on my knee… her sitting down next to me and putting her foot up so that the bottoms of our foots touch and rest against each others. Gaah… makes me smile so big. Gives me thoughts that are most likely overly optimistic and way too hopeful… but you know what?! That is me… and it happens to be one of the things I like about myself. I am daring enough to dive in head first with all that I have, to let my guard down and go in defenseless. This doesn’t mean I am not afraid. It doesn’t mean I don’t worry about the outcome.

Woo…


Tomarrow is a new day

And then so will be the next day

And then so will be the day after

If I live to the day after that I want to know that I made some one else feel happy, loved, and / or at least noticed. I think that I have met some one who can not only appreciate the attention, but is truly worthy of it.

lol


There I go sounding conceded again. I am awesome. lol.  

--Last edited by MeCh on 2007-11-22 02:05:55 --

Yes, I would have been highly surprised (but also hlghly pleased) if you'd shown up at my door at 3 am Thursday morning!  I actually went to bed around 2:30, so I may have even been semi-awake...

Quote :

I need some one that can help me with that... some one with enough interest to decipher my code and the experience and talent it takes to turn it all into a distinguishable picture.

Eager volunteer, right over here! *raises hand, waves it around wildly*  I'm very interested in everything in your head.... theories, conjectures, philosophies, wild ideas, whatever!  I just read your big long Lain post... WOW.  Now, I wanna go read some Jung!  

And I know what you mean about wanting to go crazy sometimes.  I think as humans in the industrialized world we don't get in touch with our primal selves as much as we should.  Sometimes, at least for me, the modern life of going to work and going shopping and paying your bills and all that, seems...not quite right, like I'm wearing clothes a few sizes too big.  But since I've never known anything else, I don't know how or even what to change.  But at least I'm beginning to ask the questions...

*hugs*

*Huge smile* Can't wait to see you this weekend. Have a groovy Friday.


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Awww.
How syrup-y.
I could milk that and make cupid cutout cookies out of all the sweet shit that went into you making that page of narraration possible.
What is that? A personality diagnosis?Your own game of mini operation?
With her playing at doctor.
It takes a special kind of girl to want to save you from yourself.
It's somebody that can stand what there own rot smells like at the end of the day enough to want to waste her time on yours.
She sounds enthusiastic Brian!
Perfect for you and your little freak show.
Congradulations on new intimacy.
Hope it develops into the truth sooner than we could.

lol. Save me from myself eh? What exactly do you think I am? Because the last time I checked I was human... just like you. You can't say you don't dive into your own inner consciousness from time to time... trying to pick it apart... and separate what you don't like about yourself from what you do? I was only analyzing things with an introverted perspective and writing it all down as would any other human who keeps a journal or diary might have. And I think imperfect is the perfect place for such writings to be posted.
She is somebody special... and this new intimacy is already more truth than you ever were with me. You were manipulative and deceitful... and that's me saying it politely. It was part my fault for letting you play me like a video game. But in the end I have to thank you for not trying to keep me as one of your "back-up plans" that last time we ended... and for staying away long enough for me to start over with some one that I feel to be safe. Thank you Millie. Now... for later posts I am asking you to be as nice as possible or just keep anything nasty to yourself. I don't appreciate your mouth-shit about me being a freak show or her "own rot smells". I understand you are just acting your age, but I know you have it in you to just be nice Millie. Please.

You will always be welcome here on this site if you can keep from talking shit to my friends. I do know how to ban your IP address. I hope that dose not become necessary.

Thanks again.

Fair enough. I'm actually happy that you decided to move on. Life after me can only get better right?     .Right.
smile.
I halfway apologize for the above.
I'll make a good kind of attempt on being friendly from now.
Later.
M

hehehe. Right. I believe life is getting better. And I feel like I am growing a lot and learning a lot and I do not plan on stopping... ever.


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Juice.